Friday
Diaper Wars
Wherein one Depends user bitches about the enemy camp trotting out a fellow member of the tribe.
The jokes write themselves anymore. They just aren't very funny, more just pathetic.
The jokes write themselves anymore. They just aren't very funny, more just pathetic.
Saturday
Keeping Score
Just sayin'
Newt Gingrich, who has called gay marriage "a temporary aberration" has officially killed two more marriages than all the gays in America combined.
Asshole.
Newt Gingrich, who has called gay marriage "a temporary aberration" has officially killed two more marriages than all the gays in America combined.
Asshole.
Maine Vacation, the Important Part
figu7es here. Rrrrrooowwwwwwrrrrr!
Just took a week in Maine searching for the lovely and talented Jessica Fletcher, a.k.a. Angela Lansbury and I was not disappointed (except by the bastards in Boothbay Harbor, who will pay in some unspecified way and not by my hand if police are reading).
Those sons of bitches had the nerve to close the entire town, even the candlepin bowling alley. Needless to say, it left me somewhat stressed. Of course, my hatchet was taken by some drone from Homeland Security (I had a Club on it so I couldn't use it on the plane) so I couldn't exact my revenge.
Of course, my patience was eventually rewarded, at least I think it was. I am nearly certain the photo below captures one Angela Lansbury a.k.a. Jessica Fletcher on her way from the twice monthly Boothbay Harbor writer's meeting (1st and 3rd Tuesday). Of course, it was dark (when isn't it---I swear the sun went down around noon) and I had been lying in wait for approximately 30 hours by that point in time so I could be mistaken. Ever the temptress, I see she is still advertising those furs, just like the 60's.
One thing I know, she has pretty large feet. I found a size 18 pump after the photo was taken.
Just took a week in Maine searching for the lovely and talented Jessica Fletcher, a.k.a. Angela Lansbury and I was not disappointed (except by the bastards in Boothbay Harbor, who will pay in some unspecified way and not by my hand if police are reading).
Those sons of bitches had the nerve to close the entire town, even the candlepin bowling alley. Needless to say, it left me somewhat stressed. Of course, my hatchet was taken by some drone from Homeland Security (I had a Club on it so I couldn't use it on the plane) so I couldn't exact my revenge.
Of course, my patience was eventually rewarded, at least I think it was. I am nearly certain the photo below captures one Angela Lansbury a.k.a. Jessica Fletcher on her way from the twice monthly Boothbay Harbor writer's meeting (1st and 3rd Tuesday). Of course, it was dark (when isn't it---I swear the sun went down around noon) and I had been lying in wait for approximately 30 hours by that point in time so I could be mistaken. Ever the temptress, I see she is still advertising those furs, just like the 60's.
One thing I know, she has pretty large feet. I found a size 18 pump after the photo was taken.
figu7es waited in the woods with only a camera, several lobster rolls and a couple of rolls of duct tape to get this shot. Luckily for Ms. Lansbury he had fallen asleep before the crucial moment and couldn't move quickly enough with the cable ties and net.
Maine Vacation
So I'm boring the entire internet with my vacation photos now.
Things have been a bit stressful of late so I decided to go into seclusion for the week in Maine. Just the ticket.
figu7es went along to continue his interminable search for Angela Lansbury and in the process developed a resentment against the fine people of Boothbay Harbor who are apparently wintering elsewhere and wouldn't even let him go candlepin bowling.
They should feel lucky his hatchet was confiscated by security at the airport.
All photos were taken with the iPhone and, yes, I have about 125 more if anyone is interested.
Things have been a bit stressful of late so I decided to go into seclusion for the week in Maine. Just the ticket.
figu7es went along to continue his interminable search for Angela Lansbury and in the process developed a resentment against the fine people of Boothbay Harbor who are apparently wintering elsewhere and wouldn't even let him go candlepin bowling.
They should feel lucky his hatchet was confiscated by security at the airport.
All photos were taken with the iPhone and, yes, I have about 125 more if anyone is interested.
Safety First. figu7es proved an exceptional navigator. He's also glad he dressed for the weather.
This trip is already looking solid.
Beneath Route 1, Bath, ME.
More Bath, ME.
Apparently Afrin gives me the shakes. It rendered every single picture from the Maritime Museum in Bath worthless. Damn sinuses.
I think this artful rendering almost saves the photo of plastic lobstahs being massacred at the Maritime Museum. Great Museum, by the way.
Kennebec River, Bath, ME.
The coolest store in Maine. This one is in Damariscotta. They give you a fair deal.
figu7es insists it's never too early to be prepared for my inevitable incontinence and senescence.
I drove out on the islands until the road ended at the ocean.
Bailey's Island, ME. 2 pm. Gray.
Brunswick, ME, 3 pm. Yup.
Now that's why I picked Maine in December.
It rained a lot. Still, warm for December.
figu7es needed a moment to compose himself.
A quick reminder of home. Moe does this to me constantly.
Camden, ME. Crunchy, but cool.
Rocks on a beach.
The LL Bean tree in Freeport. The remarkable thing about this photo is that I took it at around 4:30 pm and it was pitch black out.
Visited Portland on Friday and wanted to give a shout out to the 99%.
The Christmas Rapture is Again upon Us! Ignore This at your own Peril!
Santa will return soon---ask yourself, are you ready?
We're guessing he got hit on the head at one of those Crimean War reenactments he's always leading.
Figures here. And a rrrrroowwwwrrrrrr to you! I've been 'away' again (editor's note: He was serving time) and haven't graced these pages in some time, but I felt compelled to return to issue this warning.
I have had a premonition and I suspect it will be as accurate as this one, this one and especially this one.
The Christmas Rapture is coming soon and the world will change abruptly. Santa's soon return is nigh and the believers will share in a wealth of great gifts while those who've been naughty are cast into hell to wear sweat socks and crappy ties.
According to my extensive calculations, the Rapture will occur sometime around December 25th or so.
But, as this post shows, I will not let my fellow man be thrown into the abyss without a fight. I've recruited the cow army, who till now have mostly stood in fields together waiting for orders, to spread the word. I've outlined some of the placards we will be using here in the post.
Save yourselves while there's still time! Santa will not suffer the naughty, but will instead consign them to the flames of bad gifts and generic air hockey tables with one short leg!
Also, if you'd care to give to this enterprise (which isn't cheap, even though the cows are volunteering their time rather than be, um, repurposed into, um, meat) send along a contribution. I assure you all donations will be used to spread the word about the Christmas Rapture and not my (hopefully) upcoming exodus to Las Vegas.
Figu7es, out.
Sunday
Unnecessary Sequels IX: The Unnecessarier!
Joseph Heller would never have stooped to writing a sequel to what is considered by many to be the great American novel. Look, you ignore Closing Time.. It didn't happen. No, it really didn't. I refuse to discuss this further as my head is starting to hurt again.
An ongoing series in which we imagine what Hollywood executives would do if they could raise the deadl. It also provides an opportunity to indulge our love of utterly witless literary references. Grouped by author in no other particular order. And, no, you should really know these. Nothing obscure going on here.
A Tale of Two Suburbs
Littler Nell
Martian Chuzzlewit
Bleaker House
The Left Arm of Darkness
Extraordinary People
The Grapes of Wrath II: Okie Reckoning
Of Mouse and Man (technically a prequel, I suppose)
UPS
The Scarlet Letter, B: The Bitch is Back
Cats (and Dogs): It’s Raining!
(Yeh, I know. Get off my ass. It amused me.)
A Reintroduction to Arms
The Old Men and The Sea
A Forest Grows in Brooklyn
È la Morte un Giorno Personali (Death Takes a Personal Day)
Side Street
To Resuscitate a Mockingbird
In Colder Blood
Brunch at Tiffanys
The Appeal
Naked Dinner
Catch Twenty-Too
Something Else Happened
Raven II: The Ravening
The Pit, The Pendulum and the Preemie!
Cat’s First Big Boy Bed
Slaughterhouse Five: The Final Slaughter
That was Then, This is Now. Again.
The Outsiders: Inside Job
Okay, I'll grant that this one seems like a really good idea. I think we can reimagine Mr. Pecksniff as a hapless arthropod.
Friday
Sunday
The Combover in the Room
With the news that Donald Trump is deluded enough to think he should actually run for President, it is time to help him face his greatest obstacle to election.
Unless The Donald actually believes a bunch of fogies concerned with nothing beyond the current President’s melanin levels will propel him to victory, it is time to face the cold, hard truth.
No, he can’t do much about his monumental ignorance or his lack of even a basic grasp of the most elementary issues.
He can’t get a do-over on the multiple divorces, the multiple bankruptcies or the idiotic trailer-trash melodrama that is Donald Trump.
He can’t shake his image as a pompous, grandstanding jackass.
But there is one thing he can do something about.
That hair.
Yes, the hair. Longtime companion of late night comedians, national laughingstock and the single worst advertisement ever for combs.
Everyone notices it, everyone laughs at it and no one will ever take him seriously as long as he still has it.
So as a public service (and because we know he has about as much chance of becoming President as we do), we’ve detailed some options below to help The Donald expand his support beyond the terminally simple minded.
Pros
A teabagger classic, it combines the rugged masculinity and wooden acting of Chuck Norris films with a scent of conspiracy and longed for self importance
Polyester is low maintenance and doesn’t require ironing
Low cost, available in multi-packs at any Sam’s Club
Cons
Already has teabagger vote pretty well locked up until the next shiny object that isn’t President Obama is dangled in front of them
Reeks of desperation and poor production values
Itchy
Pros
None really, as Trump has already locked up the Mel Gibson constituency
Cons
Too similar to current style
Pros
Fashion forward, will appeal to younger voters, tweens
Cons
Auto tuned
Canadien birth could complicate sole campaign issue to date
Pros
Will help popularity with "the blacks"
Can be styled with messages in the back
Salt and pepper looks distinguished
Cons
Teahadists will begin looking into Kenyan birth
Political rallies will empty quickly as supporters look to cross the street to avoid being mugged
Pros
Ballsy, shows a don’t give a damn attitude about male pattern baldness
Guaranteed to make 40 something mid-westerners weak in the knees
Cons
Temptation to grow awful goatee and moustache to compensate
Requires balls, recognition of male pattern baldness
Pros
Made a star out of Jennifer Aniston
Easy to care for
Millions of American women will identify with the time they tried this hairstyle and discovered it did nothing for them either
Cons
Voters might mistake failed campaign for failed rom-com
May draw David Schwimmer out of alley he’s currently living in
Pros
Will solidify support with housewives and daytime television viewers
Still presents a modicum of cool despite Sister Act 2
Cons
Joy Behar and Elizabeth Hasselback
Yeh, that didn't work.
Unless The Donald actually believes a bunch of fogies concerned with nothing beyond the current President’s melanin levels will propel him to victory, it is time to face the cold, hard truth.
No, he can’t do much about his monumental ignorance or his lack of even a basic grasp of the most elementary issues.
He can’t get a do-over on the multiple divorces, the multiple bankruptcies or the idiotic trailer-trash melodrama that is Donald Trump.
He can’t shake his image as a pompous, grandstanding jackass.
But there is one thing he can do something about.
That hair.
Yes, the hair. Longtime companion of late night comedians, national laughingstock and the single worst advertisement ever for combs.
Everyone notices it, everyone laughs at it and no one will ever take him seriously as long as he still has it.
So as a public service (and because we know he has about as much chance of becoming President as we do), we’ve detailed some options below to help The Donald expand his support beyond the terminally simple minded.
Some Possible New Looks:
The Norris
Pros
A teabagger classic, it combines the rugged masculinity and wooden acting of Chuck Norris films with a scent of conspiracy and longed for self importance
Polyester is low maintenance and doesn’t require ironing
Low cost, available in multi-packs at any Sam’s Club
Cons
Already has teabagger vote pretty well locked up until the next shiny object that isn’t President Obama is dangled in front of them
Reeks of desperation and poor production values
Itchy
The Beaver
Pros
None really, as Trump has already locked up the Mel Gibson constituency
Cons
Too similar to current style
The Bieber
Pros
Fashion forward, will appeal to younger voters, tweens
Cons
Auto tuned
Canadien birth could complicate sole campaign issue to date
The Obama
Pros
Will help popularity with "the blacks"
Can be styled with messages in the back
Salt and pepper looks distinguished
Cons
Teahadists will begin looking into Kenyan birth
Political rallies will empty quickly as supporters look to cross the street to avoid being mugged
The Willis
Pros
Ballsy, shows a don’t give a damn attitude about male pattern baldness
Guaranteed to make 40 something mid-westerners weak in the knees
Cons
Temptation to grow awful goatee and moustache to compensate
Requires balls, recognition of male pattern baldness
The Rachel
Pros
Made a star out of Jennifer Aniston
Easy to care for
Millions of American women will identify with the time they tried this hairstyle and discovered it did nothing for them either
Cons
Voters might mistake failed campaign for failed rom-com
May draw David Schwimmer out of alley he’s currently living in
The Whoopi
Pros
Will solidify support with housewives and daytime television viewers
Still presents a modicum of cool despite Sister Act 2
Cons
Joy Behar and Elizabeth Hasselback
The Washington
Yeh, that didn't work.
Let's just pretend that didn't happen.
Natch. Everyone looks better with The Norris.
The photo below provides undisputed proof. The Norris it is.
And the winner is:
Natch. Everyone looks better with The Norris.
The photo below provides undisputed proof. The Norris it is.
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