OUR EYE ON THE CANDIDATES CONTINUES

And We Seek to Beg Off This Depressing Project--No, Really, This is Killing Us.

Believe it or not, even this fellow has too much sense to vote for Mr. Thompson. Yes, it surprised us too.

As a public service and an exercise in masochism, this website has threatened to evaluate each of the candidates for the Presidency, cutting through to the core of each and exposing their strengths and weaknesses. As we present each candidate, we will add his or her biography to the side bar on the left, allowing easy access for those who wish to be informed voters.
Today we cast a slow lingering glance at Fred Thompson, finding that there is indeed very little to see.

Flatulent and nearly comatose, Fred Thompson resembles nothing more than a Jack O’ Lantern left on your porch until late February. His supporters were quite excited about his candidacy until they realized he had all the charisma of warmed over Farina. Since squeezing out an official announcement on the Tonight Show, his shall we say lukewarm campaign style has electrified a voting public tired of politics involving sentient beings showing actual signs of life.
Oh, and he’s on the TV, which is what originally led the genetically challenged to conspire to have this bag of crap foisted off on us as a genuine challenger in the first place.

FUN FACTS ABOUT FRED THOMPSON

Fred is actually only 4 feet 8 inches tall. The clever use of camera angles and old peach crates maintain the impression that he is much taller. This ruse began when Thompson co-starred with the delightful Sonny Chiba in Aces: Iron Eagle III. The myth has persisted, mostly because Thompson is too lazy to climb down.

Mr. Thompson served in the US Senate. Well, served is perhaps too strong a word. It’s sort of like saying the doormat at the front of your house serves you just by laying there day after day without moving.

His first acting job was in the film Party at Kitty and Studs, with a young Sylvester Stallone.

If you compare the movements of Mr. Thompson and a three toed sloth up close, the sloth will resemble nothing more than a jittery sprinter on methamphetamine.

He wears more makeup than his wife, an obvious drawback with the religious right.

Little known is that Mr. Thompson has a conjoined twin who is even less active than he is.

Mr. Thompson worked as a fluffer for Richard Nixon.

POLICY PRESCRIPTIONS:

If elected, Mr. Thomspon has few plans. He would, however, like his Jello now.

ODDS OF EVENTUAL ELECTION:

80:1

ODDS OF EVENTUAL FOSSILIZATION:

even money