Unless The Donald actually believes a bunch of fogies concerned with nothing beyond the current President’s melanin levels will propel him to victory, it is time to face the cold, hard truth.
No, he can’t do much about his monumental ignorance or his lack of even a basic grasp of the most elementary issues.
He can’t get a do-over on the multiple divorces, the multiple bankruptcies or the idiotic trailer-trash melodrama that is Donald Trump.
He can’t shake his image as a pompous, grandstanding jackass.
But there is one thing he can do something about.
That hair.
Yes, the hair. Longtime companion of late night comedians, national laughingstock and the single worst advertisement ever for combs.
Everyone notices it, everyone laughs at it and no one will ever take him seriously as long as he still has it.
So as a public service (and because we know he has about as much chance of becoming President as we do), we’ve detailed some options below to help The Donald expand his support beyond the terminally simple minded.
Some Possible New Looks:
The Norris
Pros
A teabagger classic, it combines the rugged masculinity and wooden acting of Chuck Norris films with a scent of conspiracy and longed for self importance
Polyester is low maintenance and doesn’t require ironing
Low cost, available in multi-packs at any Sam’s Club
Cons
Already has teabagger vote pretty well locked up until the next shiny object that isn’t President Obama is dangled in front of them
Reeks of desperation and poor production values
Itchy
The Beaver
Pros
None really, as Trump has already locked up the Mel Gibson constituency
Cons
Too similar to current style
The Bieber
Pros
Fashion forward, will appeal to younger voters, tweens
Cons
Auto tuned
Canadien birth could complicate sole campaign issue to date
The Obama
Pros
Will help popularity with "the blacks"
Can be styled with messages in the back
Salt and pepper looks distinguished
Cons
Teahadists will begin looking into Kenyan birth
Political rallies will empty quickly as supporters look to cross the street to avoid being mugged
The Willis
Pros
Ballsy, shows a don’t give a damn attitude about male pattern baldness
Guaranteed to make 40 something mid-westerners weak in the knees
Cons
Temptation to grow awful goatee and moustache to compensate
Requires balls, recognition of male pattern baldness
The Rachel
Pros
Made a star out of Jennifer Aniston
Easy to care for
Millions of American women will identify with the time they tried this hairstyle and discovered it did nothing for them either
Cons
Voters might mistake failed campaign for failed rom-com
May draw David Schwimmer out of alley he’s currently living in
The Whoopi
Pros
Will solidify support with housewives and daytime television viewers
Still presents a modicum of cool despite Sister Act 2
Cons
Joy Behar and Elizabeth Hasselback
The Washington
Yeh, that didn't work.
Let's just pretend that didn't happen.
Natch. Everyone looks better with The Norris.
The photo below provides undisputed proof. The Norris it is.
And the winner is:
Natch. Everyone looks better with The Norris.
The photo below provides undisputed proof. The Norris it is.
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