Santa will return soon---ask yourself, are you ready?
We're guessing he got hit on the head at one of those Crimean War reenactments he's always leading.
Figures here. And a rrrrroowwwwrrrrrr to you! I've been 'away' again (editor's note: He was serving time) and haven't graced these pages in some time, but I felt compelled to return to issue this warning.
I have had a premonition and I suspect it will be as accurate as this one, this one and especially this one.
The Christmas Rapture is coming soon and the world will change abruptly. Santa's soon return is nigh and the believers will share in a wealth of great gifts while those who've been naughty are cast into hell to wear sweat socks and crappy ties.
According to my extensive calculations, the Rapture will occur sometime around December 25th or so.
But, as this post shows, I will not let my fellow man be thrown into the abyss without a fight. I've recruited the cow army, who till now have mostly stood in fields together waiting for orders, to spread the word. I've outlined some of the placards we will be using here in the post.
Save yourselves while there's still time! Santa will not suffer the naughty, but will instead consign them to the flames of bad gifts and generic air hockey tables with one short leg!
Also, if you'd care to give to this enterprise (which isn't cheap, even though the cows are volunteering their time rather than be, um, repurposed into, um, meat) send along a contribution. I assure you all donations will be used to spread the word about the Christmas Rapture and not my (hopefully) upcoming exodus to Las Vegas.
Figu7es, out.
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